Make The World Your Debtor

I spent some time with my three youngest children last weekend.  The conversation turned toward the time I was a police officer and inevitably they wanted to hear a “cop” story.  I told them about an embarrassing moment that happened to me one day while I was on patrol.  I explained that I was sitting in my patrol car during an extremely heavy rainstorm finishing some paperwork when my radar detector began screaming.  It had picked up a driver who was travelling at a particularly high rate of speed.  It was especially dangerous because of the low visibility and slick conditions on the road.  Reluctantly I pulled out, turned on my lights, and pulled the speeding driver over.  I sat for a moment in my car contemplating the heavy downpour and my obvious lack of preparation for it.  I had no rain gear and was not happy about having to walk out into the rain without it.  I decided to leave my portable radio in the car to keep it from getting ruined.

I exited my patrol car and walked up to the driver.  By the time I reached him I was soaked to the bone.  I asked him if he knew why I had stopped him.  Like most drivers who are asked that question, he feigned ignorance.  I explained that I had clocked him on radar doing well over the posted speed limit.  His violation was compounded by the fact that the visibility and road conditions were so bad.

“Whatever”, he replied.

His glib and dismissive reaction seemed to set something off in me.  It shouldn’t have.  It was the same reaction I got from most everyone I pulled over but I was cold and wet and wanted to be anywhere but standing in a downpour giving this guy a ticket.  I thought about handing down a verbal lashing for his uncaring attitude but restrained myself.  I asked for his driver’s license and proof of registration.  He handed them to me, which I dutifully tucked into my shirt to keep them dry.  I told him I’d be right back and I walked back to my patrol car.   I pulled on the door handle.  The door was locked.  I patted my pockets and suddenly realized that I had locked myself out of my vehicle.  I reached for my radio, which of course was sitting in my passengers seat.  I looked to my left.  The driver was following my every move in his side view mirror with a quizzical look on his face.

I stood for a moment in the pouring rain considering my options.  Realizing I had none, and in a last ditch effort to save my dignity I walked back up to the driver and explained to him that after great consideration I had decided to give him a verbal warning.  He gratefully took back his driver’s license and insurance card.

Then smiling he looked up at me and said, “You’ve locked yourself out of your car haven’t you?”

“Yup.” I replied.

“Radio’s in the car?”

“Yup.”

“Would you like me to call someone for you?”

“Yes, please.  If you wouldn’t mind.”

It took 15 minutes for another officer to arrive and unlock my vehicle.  The rain didn’t let up.  In fact it seemed to get heavier as I stood by the side of the road in the rain next to my vehicle.  Mercifully the driver had left after I explained I would be all right waiting for another officer to arrive.

I wonder how many times we experience similar circumstances in our lives.  How often do we find ourselves in situations where we are dismissive or disrespectful of those who we consider not worth our time or attention?  How often do we react similarly to people who we’ve decided have no inherent ability to further our goals or agendas?  I’m not talking about relationships that are destructive or unhealthy.  In those cases I’ve been known to burn a bridge or two in my life.  I’m talking about people who we dismiss outright as unworthy of our time or attention because we fail to immediately see any worth in them.

This concept is illustrated wonderfully in the story of The Rat And The Lion.  One day a small rat surfaced from his nest to find himself between the paws of a huge sleeping lion, which immediately awoke and seized the rat. The rat pleaded with the fierce beast to be set free, and the lion, being very noble and wise, and in no need of such small prey, agreed to let the relieved rat go on his way.

Some days later in the same part of the forest, a hunter had laid a trap for the lion, and it duly caught him, so that the lion was trussed up in a strong net, helpless, with nothing to do than wait for the hunter to return.

But it was the rat who came along next, and seeing the lion in need of help, promptly set about biting and gnawing through the net, which soon began to unravel, setting the great lion free.

The moral of the story is of course to make the world your debtor – even the humblest of folk may one day be of use.

Think. You Might Just Have A New Experience

Recently I’ve been thinking about the concept of paradigm shifts.  Specifically, the idea that any change in our lives must first be preceded by a change in the way we think… a paradigm shift.  In relationships that same principle applies.  If the goal is to improve your relationship then you must change the way you and your partner interact within the relationship.  That requires a change in the way you think.  In order for positive and lasting change to take place, there must first be a paradigm shift.

 “In order for any change to take place there must first be a wonderful revolution where we move beyond our own thoughts, experiences and conclusions and begin to see things in a different way.”

Contrary to what most people will tell you today and despite some of his great advances in human psychological theory, Stephen Covey did not invent the word “paradigm shift”.  Paradigm has its root in the Greek word paradeigma meaning a pattern, example or sample.  In 1962 American historian and philosopher of science Thomas Kuhn wrote, “Successive transition from one paradigm to another via revolution is the usual developmental pattern of mature science.”

It seems interesting that Thomas Kuhn would use the word “revolution” to describe the change.  From the perspective of government, revolution implies a complete and thorough overthrow of a well-established system.  From a sociological perspective it implies a radical and pervasive change that many times can be accompanied by violence.  Revolution for its own sake is rarely something anyone desires or wants.  But often it is something that is needed for the greater good.  In that light ‘revolution’ seems to be the perfect word to describe the change that we sometimes need in our relationships.  In order for any change to take place there must first be a wonderful revolution where we move beyond our own thoughts, experiences and conclusions and begin to see things in a different way.

Thomas Kuhn also explained that paradigm shifts tend to be most dramatic in sciences that appear to be stable and mature.  Like the many sciences, relationships tend to move towards maturity and stability.  When that happens there is a propensity to believe that change is unnecessary or impossible.  At the end of the 19^th century a mathematical physicist named Lord Kelvin famously proclaimed, “There is nothing new to be discovered in physics now. All that remains is more and more precise measurement.”  Five years later Albert Einstein published his paper on special relativity challenging ideas that had been in place for centuries.  Couples in this stage of a relationship often describe it as being on “autopilot”.  This natural tendency against change, at the very least can inhibit your relationship’s ability to grow.  At worst it can leave you in a relationship that is harmful or destructive.

The key to realizing positive paradigm shifts in your relationship is to turn off the autopilot.  I grew up in Hawaii.  After school I would body surf at a few popular local surf spots.  At one beach called Makapu’u there is a particularly strong current called “The Molokai Express”.  It was called this because if you found yourself caught in that particular current, it would carry you out of the relative safety of the bay and into open ocean.  Your next stop was Molokai, about 30 miles southwest of Oahu.  The solution was to simply take a moment to periodically check your bearings.  I did this by occasionally looking up at the beach.  If I found myself too far out I would make the correction by swimming back to where I needed to be.  One afternoon I was too focused on the waves and found myself in danger.  I was caught in a strong current and heading toward The Molokai Express.  I knew swimming against the current would just tire me out so I began swimming on a parallel course with the beach toward the rocks.  I needed to get to the rocks before the current carried my out of the bay and into open ocean.  I made it to the rocks and spent what seemed like an eternity climbing out of the water over dangerously sharp lava rock, bruising and cutting myself along the way.  I remember lying on the ground in pain and exhausted – but happy to be alive after my ordeal.  A simple check of my bearings would have saved me from a dangerous and potentially fatal situation.

So it goes with our relationships.  They are full of hazards, not the least of which can be complacency.  By creating habits in our relationships that require us to occasionally “check our bearings” we create the opportunity to experience a wonderful revolution where we will begin to move beyond our own thoughts, experiences and conclusions and begin to see things in a different way.  When that happens we stand a real chance at making positive and lasting change in our relationships.

The Facebook Conundrum

The way we manage relationships has changed forever.  It’s clear that social media has forever effected the way we collectively relate with one another.  But do we really understand how much it has changed?  Most of the small business owners I interact with see a vague benefit of having a social media presence.  Most don’t really understand why they should have one – let alone how to begin.  For the relationship purists out there I’m afraid it’s the end of an era.  There’s a brave new world out there and like it or not, if you’re a small business owner you need to learn to utilize social media.  And while we’re at it let’s just be honest with one another.  When we talk about “social networking” we’re really talking about Facebook aren’t we?   The fact is that more Americans are familiar with Facebook than have actual access to the Internet (Edison Research, 2011).

“You need to spend less effort trying to bring your customers to you, and more effort going to where they already are.”

This article is not about how to integrate social networking into your business.  If you’re on the “how” step, you already see the need for it.  This article is for all my friends out there who still hang onto the notion that social networking is a fad that will eventually disappear.  It’s for the small business owner whose livelihood depends on relationships – but who still refuses to see that they’re facing a “Facebook Conundrum” (The inexplicable apathy or intense dislike of Facebook – which seems to be in direct conflict with the feeling that the world is changing around you and if you don’t jump on the train you’re going to get left behind).  Mostly it’s a wakeup call for you small business owners out there.  You need to spend less effort trying to bring your customers to you, and more effort going to where they already are.  In a Business Insider article, AxialMarket (2011) states that, “Relationships drive [business]. Relationships are moving online, they’re no longer just offline. The nature by which relationships are formed, maintained, and cultivated is undergoing a transformative shift right now”.

That “transformative shift” is being driven by four important factors.  First, is the sheer numbers of people that are currently “getting online”.  In 2011 Edison Research completed an Internet and Multimedia study called The Social Habit.  Their findings shed some light on the fast changing landscape of personal and business social interaction.  It revealed that more than half of all U.S. residents and more than ¾ of all U.S. adults are online.  According to the study this figure is driven largely by Facebook, which is now used by over half (51%) of Americans.  And how we love our Facebook!  46 million Americans ages 12 and up reported that they check their social media sites and services “several times a day”.  This increase in the frequency we access our social sites is due largely to the second factor, which is the ease at which we can access information through mobile devices.  56% of frequent social network users own smartphones, and 64% of frequent social networkers have used a mobile phone to update their status on one or more social networks (Edison Research, 2011).  Third, is the fact that social networks are beginning to successfully brand outside products and services.  In fact one in four social network users knowingly follow brands, products or services on social networks. For those who use these sites and services several times per day, this figure increases to 43%.  Finally is the incredible advantage Facebook currently has over their users’ buying decisions.  Nearly a quarter of social network users indicated that Facebook is the social site or service that most influences their buying decisions.  No other site or service was named by more than 1% of the sample.

Facebook may not always be king of the social networking hill.  In fact Google+ seems to be making a push for that spot. But the simple fact is that today Facebook owns the market.  And if you are a small business who wants a piece of this very lucrative and fast growing market – you need to get over this conundrum – and get yourself a Facebook account.

Business Relationships: More Relevant Than Ever Before

Relationships take center stage

In April 2010 The International Data Corporation (IDC) conducted their third annual Buyer Experience Study.  The IDC received feedback from over 200 IT buyers about how sales and marketing can improve their customer relation’s process.  Interestingly enough, in a down economy the number one reason that sellers lost deals was not the economy: it was poor customer relationships.

IDC’s Executive Advisory Group VP, Richard Vancil stated concerning productivity loss that negative buyer sentiment is “the most significant front we are tracking in this perfect storm.”  According to the IDC study relationships played an even greater role on larger, long-term deals.  Two-thirds of buyers cited “poor relationships” as the reason for switching vendors in 2009.  That response jumped to 70 percent for companies spending more than $1 million on IT.  “We can’t do anything about a recession” states Michael Gerard, VP of IDC’s Sales Advisory Practice.  But if we have “poor relationships with buyers, we can do something about that.”

In this new business landscape being carved from a down economy, the importance of creating and maintaining relationships has taken center stage.  Richard Murnane, enterprise data operations manager for iJET states, “relationships trump almost all other things in business, especially data.”

The Relationship Response

I attended a business-networking event today.  I use the term “networking” loosely because today’s meeting in no way resembled the networking events I’ve attended in the past.  The company is called Corporate Alliance.  It bills itself as a “business relationship” company and today it definitely delivered.  At the end of the meeting I had spoken with several people and created some fairly significant connections.  I met someone who may be the source of a completely new revenue stream for our company.  I spoke with two different people who could help in hiring for a position we have been trying to fill. I even received a reliable line on a highly recommended mechanic for my personal vehicle.  The most incredible thing seemed to be the atmosphere in which this all happened.  It was not the usual Machiavellian affair that requires a person to duck because of the volume of business cards being thrown at them by desperate sales executives.  Instead it was a friendly atmosphere where business seemed to take a back seat to the greater priority of creating meaningful relationships. Happily, in the process I found a few friends with whom I may be able to do business.  Today’s meeting reminded me of the importance that relationships play in my life.  My relationships sustain me.  They drive me to be better. They create meaning and purpose in my life.  They are a source of growth in my personal and business life.  There is no denying that they can be a force for both positive and negative – but either way they have a profound impact.

However, despite everything we know about relationships we deal everyday with something that is keeping us from achieving our true potential.  The problem is apathy.  Although we may intellectually understand the importance of relationships in reality we do little or nothing to manage them.  This indifference is illustrated in the idea of entropy and the second law of thermodynamics.   It states that left to its own devices, things tend to move from a state of order to disorder.  This same rule applies to the relationships in your life.  We see this everyday in marriages that end because they are left unchecked and unmanaged.  We see it when long-time customers take their business elsewhere.  We see it in friendships that are lost to time and neglect.

Fortunately there is there is a solution.  The solution is simply to turn off our “relationship autopilot” and make a conscious choice to respond differently.  Victor Frankl in his book Man’s Search For Meaning states, “Between stimulus and response there is a space.  In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”  We have the power to take back the control that we have lost in our relationships and to reap the benefits that come from making that choice.  It begins by simply recognizing the importance of our relationships and then deciding to respond in a different way because as Victor Frankl states, “In that response lies our growth and our freedom.” We have the power to choose a different response.  Simply put, we have the power to choose The Relationship Response.